Staying Negative

Facedown and flummoxed.

Because I am creatively demented, one of the things I did as I was having a breast MRI this morning, was to start composing a parody of the lyrics to “The Trolley Song” that Judy Garland sings in the movie, Meet Me in St. Louis.

Clang, clang, clang went the magnets,
Bang, bang, bang, it was hell.
Thump, thump, thump went my heartstrings
As I hoped it would all turn out well.
Ache, ache, ache went my shoulder,
Pound, pound, pound went my head,
Thump, thump, thump went my heartstrings
As I tried to defuse my own dread.

The day was bright, the air was sweet,
But my anxiety just knocked me off my feet.
I tried to talk, I couldn’t squeak,
In fact I felt so lost that I could barely speak.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, it was over.
Time to finally emerge.
‘You should drink lots of fluids.
That will help all the contrast stuff purge.’

I tried to stand,
I needed help.
And when I moved my arm, I gave a little yelp.
The tech was sweet,
Knew what to do,
Because she said her mom had had breast cancer, too…

That was when I pretty much completely lost it. I’d started to lose it early on, sometime during the third set of clangs. It occurred to me that each clang and bang perhaps represented one of the few thousand image slices the MRI was taking of my breasts. So I started to cheer them on. “Just find those effing cancer cells, okay? I hope you don’t find ANY, but if they’re there, just find every one of those rat bastards.” And I started to cry, which isn’t the best thing when your face is jammed into a foam-covered face rest. At least I had a face rest. Last time I had one of these, there was no face rest, so my head was turned to one side the whole time, leaving me with a massive crick in my neck when it was over. So, I was glad I didn’t have a crick in my neck today, just a couple of pressure lines across my cheeks and forehead from the face rest. No biggie. All I’d have to do was mop my teary face in the bathroom and rearrange my hair. Yep. That’s me, the Queen of Snark, feeling decidedly unsnarky, trying to see the glass half full.

My right shoulder had turned to cement from trying — and occasionally failing — to keep it still for forty minutes. I’d had to squish the little rubber thingy a few times so I could ask the tech to wait a second while I tried to revive some circulation. “Radiation damage,” I explained to her when it was over. “It’s forever.”

“Yeah, that’s what my mom says.”

“So, your mom is okay?”

“Yes. So far.”

“I hope you stay okay, too,” I said, hugging her tearfully.

“The bathroom is right down the hall.”

Now, now, now is the hard part.
Wait, wait, wait for a week
While they check ev’ry image
That my dense tissue yields to the magnetic fields of the scan,
And I hope that they plan
To inform me as
Soon as they can and they’ll say I’m okay and instead
I’ll be dancing with NED!

Dedicated to everyone one being tested and waiting for results. With love.

UPDATE: Got my results on Friday, 10/26/12, and they were NEGATIVE!! Just in time to start prepping for Hurricane Sandy…

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This entry was written by Kathi, posted on Tuesday, October 23, 2012 at 03:10 pm, filed under Diagnosis, Recurrence, Screening and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink . Post a comment below or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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